Alright, Jess. It seems you’ve hit something of a crossroads here. Something about your way of living this life isn’t working. You’ve spend so much of your energy studying who everyone else is and what they’re doing. You’re desperate to be loved for who you are—and in your best moments, when you let your own clouds part and you shine, you ARE. But more often than not you mope around, scrolling through social media, trying to figure out what you “need” to be so that you can somehow become that and then take part in everything you think you’re missing out on.
You are anxious, discontent, and bitter. And reading those words, you’re thinking, “No! I’m way more than that! That’s not fair!”
Honey, you are so right. It’s not fair at all. It’s not fair how often you don’t see the little miracles that make up every day of your life, because you’re worried about how social media may perceive them. It’s not fair that you spend all your money on overpriced coffee and food to fill a void you created in yourself. It’s not fair that you deprive the world of so many of your gifts and talents—truly, some of the best parts of yourself– because you don’t think you’re thin enough, or cool enough for other people to appreciate what you have to give.
Girl, you haven’t worn jeans and a t-shirt in nearly a year. Yes, your body has grown and changed, and instead of accommodating it and decorating it with clothes that fit, you’ve worn leggings and sweatshirts, hoping they’ll stretch just enough to contain you. And you….you keep stretching too. You’re ripping apart at the seams with all you’re trying to hold together.
But what if—stay with me here—your body wasn’t meant to be contained? What if YOU aren’t meant to be contained? I mean, obviously you need to get dressed every day. But really, what is so wrong with a size large t-shirt and size 10 jeans if they’re what you need to feel okay right now? Why are you living in stretchy pants and flowy tops, or wearing actual indentations into your skin from pants that just don’t fit you anymore?
And more importantly, why are you blending in, holding your breath, and wearing tracks into your soul with a life that just doesn’t fit you anymore either?
It’s about so much more than weight. You must know that by now. You’ve known it all along, I bet. But you’d never be able to put your finger on what it really IS about. So you’ve gone back to the treadmill, back to the scale, and back to the fridge, willing just one of them to give you some mother-loving answers, or at least a little bit of relief. But the scale only gives you higher numbers. The fridge, empty calories. And the treadmill has most recently given you a mean case of shin splints. They have all leveled at you a heavy dose of shame.
FUCK. Aren’t you tired of this? Can we move on from this game you’ll never win? Please?
So okay, enough. But what now? Yesterday you sat in your counselor’s office, paralyzed by your inability to figure this all out. It comes down to two questions, he said:
- What do you want?
- Why do you want it?
Twenty-four hours and counting later, you’re learning that answering question #2 brings you to a fresh incarnation of question #1—so many of the things you think you want are merely empty promises. You’re still digging to uncover whatever it is you really need. Something that is real and sustaining. Something true. But you’re not digging down. You’ve dug yourself into holes before. It’s dark, scary, and flings dirt all over everything. This time, you’ll need to dig yourself OUT, until you can find solid ground to stand on again.
That’s bound to burn some calories, yeah? You DO need to be healthier. Go ahead and buy the next size up, but know that your physical condition IS important. And you’ll get to that—but not before you start the process of bringing yourself back to health in every other way—emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Grab a shovel. We’ve got some work to do.